Dr. Butch Losey

Every relationship includes complaints. You may be frustrated that your partner didn't follow through on something, disappointed by how a situation was handled, or need something in the relationship to change. Expressing those concerns is not necessarily unhealthy. In fact, being able to talk openly about dissatisfaction is an important part of a healthy relationship. Problems often develop when a complaint about something that happened becomes criticism of who your partner i

Intimacy is an important part of a healthy relationship, but intimacy means more than sex. It is the experience of knowing your partner deeply and allowing yourself to be known by them. Couples create intimacy when they share their inner worlds, respond to one another emotionally, spend meaningful time together, express affection, and remain curious about each other. Intimacy can gradually diminish without either partner intentionally choosing it. Work gets busy. Children nee

When a client expresses suicidal thoughts, thoughts of harming someone else, or other serious safety concerns, clinicians appropriately turn to risk assessment. We ask about thoughts, intent, plans, access to lethal means, previous behavior, protective factors, and other indicators of risk. Evidence-based assessment tools can provide important structure to this process. But effective risk assessment requires more than completing the right questions on a form. Safety exists wi

After infidelity is discovered, it is common for the betraying partner to make promises: I will never do this again. I will be completely honest. I will put our relationship first. I will do whatever it takes to make this right. These promises may be completely sincere. But the betrayed partner often responds, “I need to see it to believe it.” One couple I worked with captured this distinction especially well: “Words say who you want to be; actions tell who you are.” After in

Few answers are more frustrating after discovering an affair than “I don’t know.” The betrayed partner may be asking, Why did you do it? What were you thinking? Why didn’t you stop? What did this person mean to you? When the response is “I don’t know,” it can sound like avoidance, dishonesty, or an unwillingness to take responsibility. Sometimes it is. But there are also times when the betraying partner genuinely does not yet understand their own behavior well enough to provi

Intrusive thoughts and rumination often occur together, but they are not the same thing. Understanding the difference can be an important part of learning how to respond to each. This is particularly true following a painful or traumatic relationship experience, such as infidelity, when the mind may repeatedly return to what happened. Intrusive thoughts are thoughts, memories, images, or questions that seem to enter the mind without invitation. A person may suddenly picture t

One of the biggest problems with not addressing relationship problems early is that small issues have a way of becoming much bigger issues over time. When problems are not addressed and resolved, resentment and bitterness can begin to build. Partners may become more frustrated with each other, communication becomes more difficult, and trust can slowly erode. What started as a relatively small concern can eventually become part of a much larger pattern of conflict and disconne

Dr. Butch Losey Emotional intimacy is a deep sense of connection and trust between you and your partner. It involves being able to share...

Dr. Butch Losey Watch Porn to Screw Up Your Brain The changes in the brain due to porn viewing are varied and complex. Changes in reward...

Dr. Butch Losey Discussing difficult topics with your partner can be challenging, but it's an important part of maintaining a healthy and...

Sharing emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner can be considered a form of infidelity. This is because emotional...

Dr. Butch Losey Author of Managing the Aftermath of Infidelity As human beings, we all make mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes hurt...

Dr. Butch Losey Author of Managing the Aftermath of Infidelity It is bad enough that the affair has rocked your relationship. Now you...

Dr. Butch Losey Author of Managing the Aftermath of Infidelity There is no quick fix to adjusting boundaries in a relationship. When...

Maybe you are sitting in the therapy office week after week and yet you know very little about the personal world of your therapist....

Recently, I took out an old copy of the well-known book How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. The book has the prominence of being in print for 85 years. It was originally published in 1936 and its original focus had little to do with couples relationships. Yet, I can’t help but recognize how relative the content is as I read it from a lens of a couples therapist, a therapist who believes that it is better to change oneself than it is to work hard to chang

Dr. Butch Losey Author of Managing the Aftermath of Infidelity Therapists recognize that there is an accepted definition of infidelity....

Intimate relationships can be a healing place. Moments of tension, stress and conflict in your relationship can actually be times for healing. I met with a new couple this past week. They did not wait long in our first session before they allowed a disagreement to start. The husband became quite irritated with his wife's perspective of the relationship and began to discount her opinion and interrupted her repeatedly. I asked the husband if he would be willing to take a more p

It's a story that I have heard before. In a previous session, a therapist has taught the couple to make "I" statements or some other...

When I think of couples in conflict, I certainly think about how I can help the couple in therapy structure their conversation in...